An Ode to My Community

I have been absent from my blog for a while. I don’t want to be, but sometimes I find it hard to pick and choose what to share. Words make things feel more permanent and being vulnerable isn’t always easy. I’ve been experiencing a lot of changes lately – all really good changes – but change is hard for me to comprehend. I like to think of myself as being adaptable and maybe on the outside I appear that way, but on the inside I still feel setbacks because of my disease. The way I see myself is different from how my peers see me.

I have a problem with always wanting to be in control. I do my best to control and plan out every situation because in the long run I think it will help me feel more prepared. I’ve learned that you can’t control life. Life is hard. Changes happen and that requires you to adapt. I love being in control so much that I end up imagining multiple different scenarios in my head and ultimately catastrophizing to the point where my mind is spinning out of control. Can you imagine? Trying to control something so much that your mind ends up spiraling out of control? It is an anxiety-triggering trait that I wish I didn’t have, but is something I attribute to being chronically ill.

When I get like this, I isolate myself. I think that by being alone, I have a better chance of getting to the root of the problem and working it out in my own head without the opinions of others and risking my outward appearance. I want to save face. In some cases this may be good, but I’ve realized that I feel better when I spend time with my community and talk about my struggles. Everyone should have a community of their own. People you can rely on, people you can vent to, and people that you know will do anything to take care of you and make sure you are okay.

I am so incredibly grateful for my community. This week, I arranged the first-ever picnic for my IBD support group and it was a huge success. We have only ever met on Zoom, so the opportunity to meet in-person was long overdue. Listening to other’s stories and experiences is really uplifting. I was amazed by their courage and strength to open up and share. It was a reminder that I am not the only one suffering from this terrible disease. It makes me so motivated to continue growing this community in Northern Nevada because it is so needed.

I keep reminding myself to remember to live in the present moment. Worry about what I have to do today and face tomorrow when it comes. I can only do so much prepping and planning for my life. In the beginning, this disease was a lot about gaining control, but now in remission it’s a lot of unlearning how to gain control. I hope that I can continue to do this because I want to let others help me. When I finally let all my guards down I will feel an immense sense of relief and will be able to live life to the fullest. This is my ultimate goal.

So maybe I don’t say it enough, but thank you to my community – those of you that read my blog, my support group, my family, my friends & coworkers – for always reminding me that I have your love and support forever. Thank you for always pushing me to get out of my comfort zone and helping me realize that I am capable of anything. Without you, I would be nothing.

“If you hold back on the emotions – if you don’t allow yourself to go all the way through them – you can never get to being detached, you’re too busy being afraid.” –Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom