Grieving the Small Things

Grief. Such a small word with such big implications. It’s no secret that those with chronic illness are more likely to suffer from anxiety and depression. Not only does chronic illness affect us physically, it is more often harder on our mental health. This feeling of grief grows and changes over time, and lately I feel as though I’ve been grieving the small things.

When you are diagnosed with an incurable, lifelong illness, you talk a lot with your doctor and family about the big things. Will I be able to graduate from college? Will I be able to hold a job? Will I be able to have kids one day? Will I be able to live a normal life? We look at the big picture. When I was diagnosed, these were the questions that first came to my mind. And they are questions that my doctor and family cannot really answer, which leaves me (the OCD control freak) drowning in a pool of uncertainty. It causes unnecessary stress and anxiety over things I have very little control over.

The questions I didn’t ask were: Will I be able to make it to my friend’s birthday dinner this week? Will I be able to wake up in the morning and not immediately be in pain? Will I be able to eat three full meals today? Will I be able to drive home from work without worrying I’ll have an accident? It’s the small things that, I can guarantee, someone without chronic illness doesn’t even have to think about. How do you explain this to people?

A few weeks ago my counselor told me that the best thing I can do is be vulnerable with those around me. Share how I’m really feeling. It will invite understanding and community. And maybe even an appreciation for how much I have accomplished even when I didn’t feel well. I never want sympathy or to use my illness as an excuse. I spent the past few years building an empire for myself while I was in remission to prove that I was capable of doing it on my own, and it now it’s scary to realize that cracks are starting to show up in the foundation.

Grief isn’t just about the big things, it’s about the small things too. Sometimes we have no choice but to share this feeling with others. We might realize that we feel better once we do. We shouldn’t be afraid to ask for help when we need it, because when we do, we will quickly realize that we are not alone. While I’ve been grieving the small moments I’m missing out on with my friends and family lately, I can also look back and hold appreciation for all I’ve accomplished up until this point. I can and should be thankful for the support system I do have and the resources I have in place to put me on the path back to remission.

Going into the Thanksgiving holiday, I challenge you to be vulnerable with those you are sitting with at that dinner table. Share how you are REALLY feeling and what areas of your life you could use help with. I promise you it can’t hurt.

Check out my previous posts about grief:

Grieving and Loss

The Grief of IBD