Reconfiguring in Remission

On Tuesday, I had a guest speaker attend my support group. Her name is Dr. Beth Creel and she is a psychologist and certified grief counselor from Las Vegas. A topic that frequently comes up in our meetings is grief and trauma associated with chronic illness, so it was great to hear from her this week. As someone in remission, this is often something I struggle with.

Grief is change. With chronic illness, it is often a change of identity. Who I was before my diagnosis is a much different person than who I am now. Now I struggle with feeling like a burden to other people, disappointed in the loss of the life I imagined for myself, and finding it hard to trust people. I love being in control, but this disease has taught me how important it is to let go of that control. We can only be prepared so much before anticipatory anxiety sets in.

Dr. Creel talked about how being in remission is like carrying a backpack. Some days that backpack is either filled with bricks and some days it may be filled with feathers. Other days it may not be full at all. That is what it feels like navigating through life in remission. There is always going to be a constant worry that the disease could come back, but I have learned the tools needed to get myself into remission. I am confident that I would better be able to handle it and keep moving forward if I ever did enter a flare again.

Another important thing I have learned in remission is to find and create balance in my life. I often let my disease bleed into my daily routine, when it really doesn’t need to. I have learned to compartmentalize and remind myself where my illness starts and where it stops. I remind myself of what I have been through to know what I can get through. I refuse to let my illness define who I am or how I live my life. I can honor the fact that my disease is a huge part of my life and always will be, but I don’t need to give it the time of day that it does not deserve. I cannot let Inflammatory Bowel Disease (IBD) win.

On Tuesday, I was driving home from work and looked up at the sky. I saw the sun shining through some rain clouds and couldn’t help but feel moved with emotion. It was like all the weight I have been carrying recently left my shoulders. I have not been feeling like myself – always on edge, living in a state of chronic anxiety, not wanting to eat, and forgetting what it means to prioritize myself first. But when I looked up at the sky, I remembered that God has my back and I am not alone in this fight to create a normal life in remission. It’s time to get back on track and continue building this beautiful life of mine. With God on my side, I truly believe that anything is possible.

Remission can be just as hard as a flare. We must honor that and know you are not alone.